La Vie Boheme

I cannot believe that it is now July...I am asking myself where the summer went..it seems like just yesterday, I was hoping I didn't trip on the stage when I got my diploma, and moving all of my stuff out of my apt. Sigh..as each passing day goes by, I am starting to dread the arrival of August more and more. Why you ask? Because I'm about to start school (again). I don't know what happened, but I woke up one day and realized that I am about to start this cycle all over again and I was sick to my stomach.

It has gotten to the point, where I don't even want people to bring it up...I know that I am sooo blessed, because this is what I wanted...(even though initially I did want to defer a year)...but I just need to get mentally prepared, but it is hard because everywhere I turn someone is asking me about starting school or moving to STL. My mom keeps buying random stuff to "prepare" me for moving, like she got me some gloves, lol (She said I needed them b/c it is cold there), or I feel like everyday someone is asking me when I'm moving...it's always something. I just don't like thinking/talking about it. ..

I have been a tad bit antisocial lately and I have just been spending lots of time with my family, I guess I am overcompensating for neglecting them while in school. But I went to a late lunch with a friend yesterday and she kept talking about how I'm moving to STL, and every time I hear that it just makes my head hurt a little. I know change is good and everyone has to make these crucial transitions, but I am not sure if I'm ready. I'm mentally prepared, maybe just not emotionally. I also associate the beginning of school as officially being the end of an era/chapter in my life that I'm not sure I'm ready to close.

The reason I titled this post "La Vie Boheme" is based on one of my favorite movies/musicals Rent. The main characters are living a "bohemian life" in NY. I have always had this fantasy, or rather an alter ego, that I have been going back and forth with. As much as I value and love science and math is the same way that I feel about "the arts (performing and visual)," so when I got to college I just knew that I was going to be interested in both, for a second I was a double major in Anthro/Human Bio and Dance...and then the dance part became a minor and then I dropped it all together...so that is how I am feeling about the second part of my life. Starting Optometry school will forever solidify the life that I will lead...So I won't be that eclectic woman who lives in a loft in the middle of the city, making and selling her own jewelry, art, creations, etc...So I have crocheting up a storm this summer, doing a little scrapbooking, I made some earrings (they aren't that cute), and I've been going to some dance classes. I know that once I start my "prof degree" I will have to put those things aside temporarily..

I think I have just always wanted to live life on my own terms...whatever that may mean. And going to school is the exact opposite of that...I feel like I have less control over my life now, than in undergrad. I mean at least in undergrad you can pick your courses...I logged onto our version of "OPUS" and all 7 of my classes were already on there with the assigned times...I was like aaaahhh! And then I logged onto the financial page with all of my loans...and I was like aaahhh! lol. This is just very different for me, even though I am a "compulsive planner."

So basically after the end of all my randomness, it seems basically that I am not ready to grow up, but THAT IS NOT IT AT ALL! I can't even describe how I feel...maybe it is the sense in the finality of it all...here I am at 21, about to go to school for the career that I plan on having for a really long time...just a very strange feeling...

Oh well I know that no matter how I feel right now, I will muster up the courage...in due time...Sigh...Until Next Time...